Last night's Oscars may have been a massive snooze, but who watches the show for the hosts, anyway? It's all about the gowns, which were . . . largely a snooze. It's enough to make me miss this year's Globes, with their plethora of kooky Dynasty-era shoulder pads and leg-of-mutton sleeves.

But there were a few bright spots, so let's get into them, shall we?

The Good:

Scarlett Johansson

Johansson wore the most memorable gown of the night: an unpretentious purple lace number with just enough cutouts and trimming to keep it interesting. I love the open back, and how the darts and lace of the train hint at Victoriana.

 

Natalie Portman

Perfect grape color, beautiful sihoutte. The details aren't anything new, but they are pretty, and when you are glowing, pregnant, and have an Oscar, what more do you really need?

 

Camila Alves

I don't know who this woman is, other than "Matthew McConaughey's girlfriend," but wow! The elegant, should-be-hootchie-but-it-ain't thing (see, Lopez, Jennifer and Jones, January) is hard to pull off: it's all too easy to slide over the edge into just-plain-hootchie (also see, Lopez, Jennifer). Here the billowy silk skirt and the perfect geometry of the bodice offset the deep cleavage. 

Sandra Bullock

Bullock went for classic glam in a tomato-red column that suits her coloring well.

Anne Hathaway (various)

I've never been a huge fan of Hathaway's, but tonight she made me like her. A little. Maybe it had to do with the way she was trying so hard to make do with the lousy material she was given (unlike James Franco, who acted like a bored teenager all night), or maybe it was her dresses, most of which were gorgeous. Like this beautiful red Valentino:

Or this shimmery space-age number, which by all rights should look plasticy, but somehow, on her, is elegant:

Or my favorite of the umpteen gowns, this burgundy one. It's even better with her coloring than the bold red (go brunettes!):

Hathaway only wore each dress for about a nanosecond, but wisely chose this one to wear to the Vanity Fair afterparty, where she acted like any woman with a pulse by going gaga in the presence of Colin Firth:

We know, Anne. We know.

 

Hailee Steinfeld

This is every young girl's dream dress: it's cute without being cloying, and the leafy design on the overlay adds a touch of couture. The headband, though, looks like it came from Claire's Accessories, and is too young even for the 15-year-old Steinfeld.

Gwyneth Paltrow

The clean lines of Paltrow's dress evoke the 20's, and her severely parted hair matches well with her overall toned-down style.

Celine Dion

The tightness and shirring of Dion's dress keeps it from being matronly, while the low neckline calls attention to her elaborate emerald necklace.

Florence Welch (red carpet)

Welch--about whom I admittedly know very litle--just looks so darn comfortable in this gown that it totally works. It's like she's saying, "Look, I'm not a sparkly glamour girl--this is me." It wouldn't work on anyone else, but it's awesome on her.

 

The bad:

Melissa Leo

Doily Does Disco! The boxy silhouette is unflattering, and the texture reminds me of making Valentines with paper lace as a kid.

Kathryn Bigelow

This one looks like a Snuggie with a gold belt and a few random slashes. It's like something Mrs. Robinson would wear after a three-day-bender. By her pool, when she knew no one else was going to see her.

Jennifer Hudson

I love me some orange, but everything else about this dress is all wrong. Hudson looks lost a in a swathe of fabric--and not good fabric, but something with that awful plasticy feel to it that bad bridesmaid dresses have. The sad thing is, I'm sure that it is expensive fabric, but it doesn't reflect the light well. And there's something about the way her breasts just kind of . . . levitate on her chest that's odd. Not a good dress.

Mandy Moore (singing)

Mandy Moore skinned Cookie Monster!

But, I have to say, her makeup, hair, and posture on the red carpet were great. She looks so grown-up!

And now I feel old.

Annette Bening

Annette Bening supports Tron: Legacy!

Nicole Kidman

Last night was a rare misstep for Kidman, who looked to be wearing a frumpy bridal gown that had been cut down. I wasn't loving the red shoes or flat hair, either.

But: These diamonds. Dang.

Mila Kunis

Wait, are those pasties? Kunis's falling-to-shreds purple dress looked like a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen--or one that had already happened, or both.

Michelle Williams

Williams is adorable with her pixie haircut, and I liked the clean lines of this dress, but there was something a little grandmotherly about it. See, if Annette Bening had worn it, I would have really liked it, but it's too old-looking for Michelle.

Miscellany:

All shall love her, and despair:

I know this isn't a popular opinion, but I kinda like Cate Blanchett's space-princessy gown. It'd be better without the yellow bits, and with a straight skirt rather than the flowy one (hey, if you're gonna go space princess, go full-on space princess), but I see where the designer was going with the geometry of the square sleeves and the circle on the bodice. And the fractal-like designs and the barnacley texture were at least unique in a night filled with safe choices. The dress doesn't quite come together, but it does attempt to say something.